when you know, you know

My entire world and focus shifted.

The trajectory of my life was forever changed.

Brian and I met five years ago today. Neither of us planned on being at the event, but we were. When I saw him across the plaza, everything and everyone else just faded away. I had to meet him. I had to know him.

We talked for two straight hours before exchanging numbers. I loved his smile and wanted to hear more of his laugh. The way my name sounded when he said it felt like home.

I was 98% sure he was My One later that day when we met for drinks. On our third date - two weeks later - I knew, without a doubt, he was My One and we would be together.

He makes me happier than I've ever been; I am the best version of myself when we're together. Our lives are so different from what they were five years ago, but we wouldn't change a thing.

Brian, thanks for letting me ask you about the bomb suit. I love you.

year of the yard, status update

Here's where we started about a week after moving in and installing the fence:

Not great, but not the worst, either. Then we DIY'd a patio:

We continued the patio to the edge of the house (three more rows). But the winter was not kind to our yard, and we ended up with a muddy mess. Said muddy mess required wiping Joey's feet a dozen times a day - something he HATES.

Not fun, not pretty. We debated the pros and cons seeding the yard or laying sod. Seeding the yard would require keeping the dog out of the back yard for at least a month, defeating the purpose of having a fenced in yard. Sod it was. The problem with sod is that it requires prep work, and the amount of prep work is determined by how uncrappy the yard is. Unfortunately for us, ours was/is MEGA-CRAPPY. The previous ownder, Hoarder Tom, didn't believe in yard maintenance. At all. The yard is uneven, incredibly rocky, full of random stuff like lengths of chain, roofing nails, broken dish pieces, you name it, all with a web of thick vines and roots lurking just under the surface. Had we hired a landscaping company to prep the ground and lay the sod, it would have been an obscene amount of money. Brian decided to buy a tiller and do it himself.

He probably tilled this main area of the yard half a dozen times over the course of several weekends. Then we had sod delivered and put it down ourselves.

And now it looks like this:

I think Joey is the happiest about the new yard:

happenings of late

Brian started a new job at the end of January as an Explosives Investigator for Homeland Security. He works at Reagan National Airport, just six miles from the house. When he was retiring from the Air Force, we knew the hiring process for any government position was a slow, tedious process, but we didn't have that kind of time. He took a job with a major government contractor, which landed us in Arlington. We originally wanted nothing to do with the East Coast once retiring, wanting to get back to the desert...Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado or Utah...but quickly fell in love with the area. We knew that job was simply that: a job to get a job, a stop gap while waiting for a position with DHS. When we got word that he'd been selected and would start in January, we were both excited. Brian was looking forward to the brotherhood feel of being back in an EOD flight with other guys that totally speak his language. I was happy that while he would be investigating explosives et al, he would never again have to put on the bomb suit or put himself in danger. He is much happier at this job, and that makes me happy, too.

***

I have struggled with my weight my whole adult life. Just before Brian and I met in 2008, I was at a good place with my weight and body image. And then things in our life went into warp speed: he deployed, he got orders to move to Virginia, we got married a week after he came home from Iraq, we moved from Utah to Virginia a month after that. The two years we spent in Hampton were really good and really bad. They were really good for our relationship, learning how to be a team and partners and friends in that near isolation. They were really, really hard for me. Leaving Utah and my entire life was incredibly difficult and sent my  dormant-until-then depression and anxiety into a tail spin. I gained back all the weight I lost and then some. I HATED WITH A BLINDING RAGE where we lived (Hampton) and was homesick for nearly two years. It's a blessing that Brian stuck it out with me, I'm sure I was a miserable person. On top of my homesickness, I was struck by bizarre health issues: four months of severe facial nerve pain brought on by a terrible dentist's sloppy work; a case of pityriasis rosea that started on our anniversary trip in NYC, debilitating anxiety attacks. And finally, Brian was on the road nearly two weeks of each month. Those were hard years. The uncertainty of where we'd land after retirement didn't help, either.

But. Now that we're finally settled, for real, and we love where we live, and Brian has the job he's wanted for a long time, it's time for me to take better care of myself. What I eat has never really been the issue, it's more about how much coupled with my lack of exercise. I'm lazy. Sure, we take walks or occasionally bike, but I need to get serious. I decided to join Curves again (I was a member years ago in SLC) and so far have really liked it. I am not following their meal plans because the anxiety brought on by the plan was too much to handle AND my life is too short to eat food I hate. My goals are simple and few. I am NEVER going to be a skinny mini, plus I like my curves (so does Brian)...I just don't want to get any bigger. I'd like to tighten up and be stronger. I'd like to be healthier now so Brian and I can have years and years together...we found each other so late that we have a lot of time to make up for.

joey joey joerstein

Confession: I am having a love affair with my dog.

Before adopting/rescuing Joey, I was wholly unprepared for how much I would love a dog. My dog. Our dog. My dog...he's totally a Mama's Boy.

Joey, just after we brought him home for the first time. November 2011

We've had Joey for about 14 months now, and we seem to have settled into a good routine. Brian gets up for work between 5:30 and 6:00 and takes Joey out. After they get back, Joey makes a bee-line for the rug in front of the stove and waits for his two cookies (Milk Bones). Joey sleeps in our room at night, not on our bed, but his cozy little nook with Rainbow Blanket and his menagerie of plush toys. The only time he gets to sleep on our bed is in the morning after his outside time. When Brian gets in the shower Joey will immediately conform his little body along mine and we'll sleep curled up together for another hour or so.

I crotched Rainbow Blanket hoping to ease some of his separation anxiety. It didn't work.

It's taken about four months, but Joey has finally become comfortable taking care of business in our backyard. When we first got him, we lived in an apartment and all of his outside time was on a leash, so when we moved into our house, he wasn't sure what to do outside when we weren't attached to him. He would just stand a foot or two away from us and stare like, 'What am I supposed to do?!' We still take a morning walk around the neighborhood each day, something we both look forward to, I'm sure.

Nope, this stick isn't too big. I got this.

If anyone bugged our house and listened in during the day, they'd hear a whole lotta 'You're a good boy, Joey' or 'You're my sweet boy and I love you' or 'You are SO CUTE' and be bored to tears. I talk to him all day long, whether it's a running commentary on what I'm doing, or just telling him he's a good boy, and if that makes me crazy, so be it.

This was a one-time experience, riding in the front seat. Usually he's in the back of either of our SUVs, behind the grate or in a crate. But sometime you have to move a craigslist find and hold your dog in your lap.

He has no particular loyalty to one toy over another. One day he'll only want to play with his Kong and the next it will be his rope (a length of climbing rope from REI - it lasts so much longer). He does, however, need to take a plush toy with him to the backdoor whenever we let him out. Maybe he likes a friend waiting for him? I don't know. After we've all had dinner and I'm cleaning up the kitchen, Joey has decided that that's the perfect time to play Chase. He'll gather as many toys in his mouth as he can and then stand in the kitchen, wagging his tail at me. He'll wait patiently for me to chase him through the kitchen into the living room into the dining room into the kitchen and round and round we go. He has no traction on our hardwood floors, so he just quick-steps it, looking over his shoulder to make sure I'm still there. The silliness of this game cracks me up every night.

Brian and Joey have a different relationship. They're more like wrestling/rough-housing buddies, while Joey is fiercely protective of me and just wants to be near me. Never is this more evident than at bed time. Brian will take Joey out right before bed; after they're back Joey grabs his backdoor-waiting friend and bolts for the bedroom, ready for Cookie Time. Cookie Time started when he was a puppy and would vomit in the morning from excess stomach acid. The vet suggested giving him a cookie or two before bed to alleviate the problem. So Joey waits for me at the foot of the bed on my side, waiting for his six cookies (it's actually two that I break into smaller pieces...he's not the brightest dog in the world). Then he'll sit outside our bathroom while I wash my face, etc. He won't settle into his bed until I'm in bed. It's kind of adorable.

My boys.

The mystery of Joey's origin still intrigues us. He was rescued on the beach in Ponce, Puerto Rico, by a wonderfully sweet woman who works with a rescue agency here in the DC Metro area. Once she'd nursed him back to health, he was shipped to the States for adoption. We've never really known for sure what mix of breeds he is, but we're pretty sure there's some Shepherd and Chinook (an American Sled Dog) milling about. A sled dog in Puerto Rico?! OK. He's definitely no bloodhound...once something falls on the ground it's lost to him forever. Whatever he is, I'm forever grateful to the woman that rescued him and so thankful that Joey picked us. I had no idea that I'd quickly become One of Those Dog People, but here I am.

various living room bits

It took me quite a while to figure out just what I wanted to put on the mantle, and below is the final result - at least for fall:

Clearly there needs to be SOMETHING above the fireplace, but I haven't found anything yet. 

The photo was take by Brian on a beach in San Diego the summer we met.

I found these Fiestaware bulb candle holders at my favorite antique mall, which is conveniently just down the street now. I've noticed that I like to stack books and put stuff on said stack.

My parents used to have this mirror in their apartment before I came along, and I've had it for...eight years? The tea light holder in front came from ZGallerie. It's a natural material, similar to quartz, but the name escapes me.

Cotton on the stem, acorn vase (from Target) and squirrel nutcracker (from World Market).

We switched out the fireplace grate and really love how this one looks.

Brian has amassed quite a large collection of challenge coins and we've been looking for a way to display them. After going back and forth about stepped displays or another shadow box or nothing at all, we've landed here:

I really like how it looks next to his service photo and shadow box/blasting machine. On the shelves below are more of his...tricks of the trade? Souvenirs? Artifacts?

One of my favorite things in the living room is a vintage Blenko ash tray, currently holding remote controls.

I believe November gets the short end of the stick by being glossed over when Halloween ends and Christmas decorations immediately pop up. I hope to get the tree up and house decorated this week. 

war and the consequences of

When Brian was getting ready to retire from the USAF after 22 years, one of the biggest things to address was his disability claim with the Department of Veteran Affairs (the VA). While he has no obvious disabilities - he hasn't lost a limb, been burned/disfigured or received a Purple Heart - he nonetheless has some issues stemming from 22 years of service as an Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technician (bomb tech). Overpressure from blasts and detonations. Working on the flight line. Fire fights. Dismounted patrols wearing 80 lb armored vests. Full body bomb suits. Concussions. No one can walk away from that completely unchanged.

The most obvious consequence of all that is his hearing loss. His left ear is worse than his right, so I make sure to position myself on his right whenever we're out. Background noise is a particular problem, so if we're somewhere loud, a light touch is needed to get his attention before speaking closely to his right ear. When watching TV or at a movie, he often asks, 'did they just say....?' and what he hears is usually funnier than what was actually said. Once he gets his hearing aids, this won't be an issue at all. It also means I won't be able to say things under my breath without him noticing anymore, either.

As a result from the concussions, he's been diagnosed with Traumatic Brain Injury. At a recent visit to the VA Center in DC, Brian had to make a list of the IED blasts, fire fights, range detonations and other events that led to the TBI. It's not like that stuff was new information to me, we'd talked about a lot of that stuff when we were dating (I needed to know what I was getting into!), and I've read the narratives of his three Bronze Stars. I knew what he'd done. But the list? Two pages. Seeing it all in one place was shocking. It weighed heavily on me for days after.

And as far as this type of thing goes, he's pretty lucky. He doesn't have anger management problems, his personality or attitude haven't been adversely altered, he's not a danger to himself or others. The main symptoms from the TBI are short-term memory loss, decreased attention span and insomnia. He can remember things he did, read, or saw - with perfect clarity - 20 years ago, but can't remember what we had for dinner last night or a conversation we had last week. We joke about it a lot, but it's totally true: if it's not out where he can see it, he doesn't remember we have it. So I put his vitamins/pills on the counter each night before bed, we have a white board with dinners for the week, mail/paperwork he needs to address are left on his laptop. We also make very good use of the camera on our phones, and Google Drive/Calendar have been absolute lifesavers. We have lists for everything, and all appointments, big or small, go on the calendar. Period.

It can be very easy for me to feel like a horrible nagging wife when I have to bring the same thing up again and again. I know it's not his fault. I know that. He's not intentionally ignoring me or choosing not to do something, he simply can't remember. His brain doesn't have the ability to hold on to that information. So what's the cure? I don't know. For now, I'll keep doing what I'm doing, tell myself to be patient, and remind myself that we have it better than a lot of other military couples.